On Walking: Sunday 22nd March

I’m sitting on the fallen oak, the sun on my face. I’m protected here from the wind, a bare-twigged hedge of elder and hawthorn rears high behind me.

From here I can see the line of the Sor Brook, with its alders. One of my favourite oaks is in the middle of the line. I can’t see them from here, but I know that below the oak are the long blue spears of nascent daffodil bulbs, in amongst the Herb Robert. There are no flowers yet, but they will come.

My legs are hot and I’m sleepy from getting up early to write. It has been an endlessly grey week, filled with self-doubt and cold bones, deleted paragraphs and stunted scenes. But now the blackness has dissipated, dissolved, despite my Prosecco head.

My finger nails are dirty from digging. Earlier, I moved my fruit bushes, tackled my middle veg bed. I worked steadily, methodically, turning the earth, twitching free the weeds.

Now, on my oak, I blink slowly. There are midges in a cloud to my left, each a tiny conductor for a silent bug symphony. I can hear the faint cry of sheep, the frantic snuffle-pause-pounce of Pants voling. Dora is by the side of me, leaning against my thigh. Her ears twitch, ready to dive in and snatch Pants’ prize.

There are a pair of bonking woodpigeons, flapping frantically in the next oak down. A kite browses the land further down the valley, but the pigeons are oblivious to everything but the demands of hot blood, Spring sun. I look down the hill, along the line of the margin on which I’m sat. Above the bleached debris of last summer is the faintest shimmer of heat haze.

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about mindful happiness, and how difficult she believed it was to achieve. She tells me that I must fight to define the moment; cup it, keep it, as if it’s something wild, unpredictable and must, above all else, be controlled.

I think she’s wrong. I lean back on the oak in Dave’s field-below-the dryer, tip up my chin, close my eyes. My t-shirt has risen up, and I feel the cool air on my skin. I imagine my pale sickle of winter-weight belly, secretly snaffling sun-light. I breathe in, breathe out.

Here is happiness. Right here. Right now.

March 22

 

 

Walking, Tuesday 9th April

Walking with friends is excellent, but very bad for observing nature.

Walked today with McNells, a gorgeous Horley Mummy with that sort of swishy  honey-blonde hair that makes a brunette feel grumpy. We have matching green Joules jackets (I copied), and kept imagining we looked like a couple of les-beans. McNells tried to hold my hand, and I shot into a hedge in horror.

We had B in a buggy, and we yattered all the way to the Scout Woods and back. I didn’t notice very much around me, except for an impression of exhausted brown-ness and the steepness of the hill once a buggy was involved.

Back in Horley, we were accosted by a lady in an Audi, driving behind a ginormous bump. She turned out to be McNellie’s new neighbour, 38 weeks pregnant and looking as healthy and happy as a Musto advert.

‘Pop round,’ she said. ‘Any time!’

I imagined she meant McNells more than me, and I backed away, looking for Dora. I grabbed her just before she legged it into the Nicholls’ immaculate garden for a sneaky crap.

We waved as the new neighbour drove up Clump, and I was distracted by the fat black buds of a nearby ash.

‘Oh, Spring,’ said McNells, as B woke up. ‘Everyone’s having babies.’

Except me, I thought, wandering home.

Thankfully.